《坦克杀手比得兔》：特殊年代的毁童年魔性小书

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这是一个以英格兰乡村生活为背景的，关于仇恨，残忍、成长和拼搏的故事，虽然内容在今天看来非常毁三观，但最后的结局令人暖心，相当好的睡前故事，四星！要不是作者屁股歪，没有站在人类的立场上，本来是可以打五星的！

——仿某瓣书评

由英国女作家海伦·碧翠斯·波特（Helen Beatrix Potter）创作的比得兔系列是全世界最受欢迎的童书作品之一，100多年一直畅销不衰，为上亿的人留下了美好的童年回忆。很难想象，比得兔这么一个暖心而又纯真的IP居然会和打坦克扯上关系，可偏就有人进行了如此魔性的二次创作。

《坦克杀手比得兔》最早出现于1988年的一本杂志上，作者究竟何许人也已经不可考。这本“小童书”被伪装成波特女士与丹麦作家斯文·哈瑟尔（Sven Hassel）的合作产物——斯文·哈瑟尔真名叫伯格·威利·雷德斯蒂德·佩德森（Børge Willy Redsted Pedersen），是个丹麦人，二战期间曾在德国国防军服役。战争结束后，他曾经出版过许多二战题材的小说，可能是继安徒生之后书籍总销量排行第二的丹麦作家。事实上，波特早在1943年就去世了，而斯文·哈瑟尔的处女作直到1953年才出版，时间线根本就对不上。

海伦·碧翠斯·波特（1866-1943）

斯文·哈瑟尔（1917-2012）

以下为原文中（东北话）英对照版本，故事的开头还算正常……

Once upon a time, there were four rabbits,Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail and Peter. They lived with their mother, Old Mrs.Rabbit, in a warren which looked – to the unaccustomed eye – rather like the lice infested trenches of World War I.

老久以前，耷拉、长毛、棉尾巴和比得这四个小兔和老妈挤在兔子窝里，条件可不咋地，乍一瞅还以为是一战那会儿虱子满处爬的战壕呢。

One day Peter’s mother said “I am going to market to sell my mittens. You may play in the woods if you wish but, Peter,you and your naughty cousin Benjamin Bunny are not to antagonise Mr. McGregornor blow up any Panzer tanks today”, and with that, she left in a swish-swash-swish of rustling skirts.

有一天，比得的妈妈说：“老娘要上市场卖手套去，你要是乐意出去玩，那就去林子里玩吧。但是比得啊，你，还有你那贼拉淘的表弟本杰明可别去捅咕老麦头儿了，别把人家坦克给炸了。”说完了，她就稀里哗啦地出门了。

往后就不对劲了……

But oh! That Peter was a naughty rabbit! No sooner had his mother left than he had dressed for combat and hopped down tothe end of the lane to rendezvous with his cousin Benjamin. As the two youngrabbits exchanged their fulsome greetings, they suddenly became aware of amighty a-clinking and a-clanking coming up the road! Their little hearts a-flutter, they peered judiciously around the corner.

比得那么皮，他就不带老实的！他妈前脚刚走，他后脚就拿上战斗装备，一蹦一窜上街去找本杰明。俩小兔子刚打完招呼，就听见路上传来嘁哩喀喳的声音，动静还不小。吓得他俩小心脏那个跳啊，就敢猫在旮旯里贼溜溜地瞄上几眼。

And what do you think the two naughty young rabbits saw when they peeped out?

那么，你觉得这俩混小子看见了什么呢？

Mr. McGregor in a MkII Tiger tank with a transversable 88mm howitzer and two forward mounted 7.62mm machineguns!

老麦头开着虎式过来了！虎式坦克有一门88大炮，两挺机枪，炮塔还带转的！

“Be quick and fetch the Panzerfaust anti-tank gun from Tom Kitten!” whispered Benjamin. So Peter went lipperty-lipperty all the way to Tom Kitten’s house.

“去小汤家要个铁拳去，麻溜的！”本杰明小声和比得叨咕，比得就往小汤家那边蹿了。

“Quick!” Peter implored him. “Lend me your Panzerfaust, for Mr. McGregor has a Tiger tank and will surely blast us allinto bloody shards of flesh, bone and sinewy pulp if we are not careful, if weare not most circumspect!”

比得去求小汤：“赶紧把你家的铁拳借我使一下，老麦头整来了一辆虎式，我们得十二分小心。要是暴露了，他绝逼会把大伙全干烂，到时候那血、骨头渣子和肉末得甩得到处都是。”

Tom Kitten gave Peter his anti-tank gun willingly for Mr. McGregor had scolded him once. But by the time Peter had returned to his cousin, Mr. McGregor had driven up the road and opened fire on Jemima Puddleduck, killing her instantly.

老麦头以前曾经冲着小汤大声嚷嚷过，所以小汤很乐意把铁拳借出去。比得刚回到表弟那边，就瞅见老麦头顺着公路开上来，冲着鸭子开了一炮，一家伙就把鸭子给轰死了。

“Thank goodness you were not the least tardy!” cried Benjamin, as the turret of Mr. McGregor’s tank slowly turned towards the humble abode of Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle.

“哎呀妈呀你可回来了！”本杰明不淡定了。这时候老麦头慢慢地转动炮塔，又冲着老獾家的破窝棚去了。

“Waste the fucker!”

“把这个逼养的干报废！”

Peter steadied the Bazooka on his shoulder and squinted one beady little rabbit eye down the sights.

比得把火箭筒扛在肩膀上，眯起一只豆大的小兔子眼瞅着准星。

Now, rabbits eat lots of carrots and every child knows that carrots do your eyesight a power of good, so of course Peter did not miss.

小朋友们都知道小兔爱吃胡萝卜，胡萝卜对眼睛可有好处了，所以比得一下子就打中了。

Whooomph! Ka-Woooommmbbbb! The AP shell from the Panzerfaust slammed square into the cowling of the Tiger’s twin bank Mayback HL 700hp engines, sending fuel cascading everywhere!

轰隆！嘎嘣！铁拳的战斗部猛烈地击中了虎式双排气缸迈巴赫700马力发动机的散热罩，汽油漏得到处都是！

“Take that for putting my father in a pie,you four-eyed Scottish bastard!” exalted Peter and gave a little rabbity hopfor joy.

“谁让你把我爹剁成馅包馅饼的，你个山炮四眼田鸡！报应来了吧！”比得高兴得一蹦老高。

But oh dear! Mr. McGregor was trapped in the hatch of his burning Panzer tank and he was a-hollering and a-screaming fit to burst!

坦克起火了，老麦头儿卡在了舱门那里，他的嚎叫声和爆炸声此起彼伏。

“Kill me, please!” he requested of the rabbits. “For I am trapped and sorely afraid that I shall slowly burn to death from the legs upwards!”

他和小兔子们说“给老子个痛快的吧，我出不去了，这火会顺着腿往上烧，把我慢慢烧死的。”

Benjamin Bunny raised his Schmeisser and pumped a full magazine into the distressed Mr. McGregor’s head, thereby solving the pretty little pickle they had found themselves in!

本杰明端起希迈瑟冲锋枪，把一整个弹夹的子弹都打进了老麦头的脑袋，给了他个痛快的。

All of a sudden, another hatch opened who should fly out but Mr. McGregor’s cat! Now Benjamin’s father had no opinion whatsoever of cats, but Benjamin was shit-scared of them and would have most surely voided himself in his attire had not the cat been one huge ball of flame and surely demising.

这时候，另外一个舱门咣一家伙掀开了，老麦头的猫蹦了出来。本杰明他爹不怕猫，但本杰明却怕得要死。要不是那猫已经烧成了个大火球子，肯定活不成了，那他肯定得吓尿裤子。

When Mr. McGregor’s cat rattled and laystill, the two little rabbits exchanged salutes and promised to meet again next Thursday and then hurried back to their respective domiciles.

老麦头的猫扑腾了几下就没动静了。两个小兔子互相敬了个礼，约好下礼拜四再见面，然后就分头急急忙忙地往家赶。

Oh dear! Old Mrs. Rabbit was distraught in the extreme when she learned what her naughty son had been about.

兔妈妈知道自己家的兔崽子又造孽了，气到爆炸。

“How many times have I told you about blowing up tanks!” she chided. “You are a naughty, wicked rabbit!”

“我和你说过多少次了，别去炸坦克，你就是不听！”兔妈妈训了比得，“你这兔崽子不光淘，心眼还坏！”

Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail who had notassaulted any armoured vehicles were rewarded with fresh lettuce and carrots and radishes, but Peter was sent to bed without any supper.

另外那三个没去造孽的兔崽子晚上都有新鲜的生菜、胡萝卜和水萝卜吃，兔妈妈不让比得上桌，直接让他老实睡觉去了。

But then, who wants to eat that rabbit foodshit anyway?

干了这么大的事儿，谁还稀罕吃那点烂菜帮子啊？